This week I was chatting with a client about why we comfort eat and what we need to understand about it so that we don’t sabotage ourselves by throwing the ‘Baby out with the Bathwater’ whenever we break out the Tim Tam’s!
She said “Can you write that down for me?” So I am…
Healthy eating is a lifestyle, we know ‘Dieting’ doesn’t work, so it is reasonable to expect that we are going to have days when we feel like scoffing ice cream… The issue comes in how we manage our Guilt!
This musing comes from the Diva program – Divine Diva.
It is as normal to how we approach food as ‘breathing’… However, like many other unnecessary things that we seem to do to ourselves as humans, we need to try and master our inner critic…
In this way we can manage the ebbs and flows of our lives and still maintain a balanced approach to food.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this one…
If you are based in Canberra, I have an upcoming ‘Divine Diva’ workshop. In which I highlight all the psychological barriers to weight loss and how to overcome them.
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships. I am highlighting how we approach dating and the stories we tell ourselves about why we can’t get what we want in a relationship!
I was out with friends last Friday night and we were talking about the types of dating options these days – introduction services, online dating or just getting out ‘socially’ with like-minded individuals. It made me very aware of the problem that we all have in niche marketing in relationships!
This musing comes from the third in the Diva programs – Delectable Diva.
The definition of ‘Niche Marketing’ is concentrating all efforts on a small but specific and well defined segment of the population. Niches do not ‘exist’ but are ‘created’ by identifying needs, wants, and requirements that are being addressed poorly or not at all by others, and developing and delivering goods or services to satisfy them. As a strategy, niche marketing is aimed at being a big fish in a small pond instead of being a small fish in a big pond.
It is as essential to ‘products’ as it is to our personal lives… We need to stop taking a ‘scatter-gun’ approach to dating, make best use of our time and become clear and specific about what we want in a relationship…
I would love to hear your thoughts about this one…
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships and here I am highlighting how we continue to devalue ourselves in relationships!
You know when you start to feel settled into a new relationship, but you start to talk negatively about “When the relationship ends” or “When you get tired of me…” Why do we sabotage our relationships?
This musing comes from the third in the Diva programs – Delectable Diva.
I’m interested in the patterns that we have around relationships and our negative self-beliefs…
Divorce Diva Workshop Canberra 28 May 2016
If you are based in Canberra, I hope to see you at the workshop. There is a Delectable Diva Workshop running on 18 June 2016 as well 😀
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships and here I am highlighting how we Repeat patterns in relationships!
You know when you you feel like you have a new partner, but their behaviour reminds you of your previous partner? Why do we DO this to ourselves? Why don’t we Learn? This musing comes from the second in the Diva programs – Divorce Diva.
I’m interested in the patterns that we have around relationships and sub-conscious partner choice…
Divorce Diva Workshop Canberra 28 May 2016
If you are based in Canberra, I hope to see you at the workshop. There is a Delectable Diva Workshop running on 18 June 2016 as well 😀
So, this week I’ve been talking to a lot of people about some of the issues that come up in relationships.
If you have a partner, or if you had a partner previously, you’ll know that what I’m about to outline is something that happens on a regular basis in relationships, and it is the core difference between how men and women approach a problem.
When a woman gets upset about something… Let’s say your partner has said something or done something that has upset the female in the relationship, often she will just withdraw, and she might start stomping around or banging doors in the house, to let her partner know that she’s upset, but often she doesn’t quite know what the problem is.
It’s really interesting that when woman withdraw, they have an expectation that their partner will pursue them to find out what the problem is – and men usually don’t pursue. So, there ends up being a situation where a problem has occurred, as a woman I have withdrawn and I am expecting my partner to come and say ‘Darling, what’s wrong’? Sometimes they do approach, they may come and ask ‘Are you okay’?
This is where our No.1 problem starts… As what, as women, do we always say? ‘Nothing’s wrong – I’m fine’! Yet, you’re actually not fine at all! It makes me laugh…
Why do we actually do this to ourselves?
The reason is that you, as a woman, expect that you shouldn’t have to tell your partner what’s wrong, that he should know what’s wrong. So, when he comes to you and asks ‘What’s up’? (Because he’s male and actually doesn’t understand what happened in your head that made you upset). You downplay you’re frustration and say ‘Nothing. I’m fine’! We do ourselves such an injustice and we cause more problems in our relationships than we need to.
If we can take the time when we get upset about something, as women, to retreat but utilise the time to consider ‘What is it that I’m actually bothered about’? You may discover your thinking has led to particular feelings coming up and this then impacts your behavior. “Oh, actually, he said ‘this’, and that reminded me of when somebody else (previous partner or parent) said ‘that’, I suddenly feel like I’m unimportant, or not wanted”! Or, when he says something that surprises you, you think ‘Oh, really? Is that the sort of person that he is? Wow! I didn’t pick that. Does that mean I’ve chosen for a partner somebody that I thought I knew, but I didn’t expect them to behave that way, so maybe I don’t know them at all”! “Oh great here we go again, I can’t trust my own judgement”!
I know that’s what goes through your head… Because that is exactly what happens with me and many other women tell me that this is also their experience.
So, where there has been an issue in my relationship, I get to a point where I’m aware that I’m being short or quiet around my partner, I will stop myself at that point and think “Hang on! I’ve withdrawn… And I know I must have withdrawn because I’m angry about something, or I’m upset”. So, I spend that time trying to ask myself “What is it that my partner said, that caused me to be upset? I think I understand, but what it is that when that person said ‘blah’ (insert any words here), and I got upset about it… Why? What is it about me and my perception of myself”?
We always try and externalise the blame. That is why you get into arguments. You get into a space in which you’re thinking “You upset me because you said ‘blah’ and you are the problem”! You get upset and you throw it all back onto your partner.
We only do that because internally we don’t feel good. Something in the interaction has made you feel bad, so you try to offset that by throwing ‘Molotov cocktails’ at the other person. “It’s your fault, you did this, you did that”, instead of looking at what is going on inside of yourself.
If you can take the time to look inside yourself, before you throw your Molotov cocktails, and ask yourself “What has this activated in me? What is it about what they did, that makes me feel bad about myself”? Trust me, it’s in there! Something that they have said or done has made you feel invalidated, or like you did something wrong, that you can’t trust your own judgement, or that you are not important to them, or you’re feeling inadequate and not good enough for them. The result? You get angry and you start throwing that stuff back at them.
If you want to ensure that an intimate relationship can survive, the main thing that you need to when you become aware of those conflicts, is to pull back and ask yourself “What is it that just happened, that made me feel this way about myself”? Once you are clear about what it is, you then need to be able to have a sit-down conversation with your partner, where you’re actually taking time out to have a connected communication about the issue. This needs to be at a point in time when there is no active confrontation or argument, so once you have calmed down.
You need to frame it in terms of “Okay, I got upset when this happened. When you said ‘blah’, what I heard was something else”, or “What I heard, activated something in me that didn’t make me feel good about myself and that is about my own past or my own history. I need you to know about it because when you say those things, this is how I respond and this is how it makes me feel”.
If you can do that, if you can take responsibility for your own feelings and be able to communicate them to your partner, without blame, you will find that something miraculous happens… There won’t be an argument because they don’t feel like they have to fight back, because you’re not attacking them. They feel like you’re able to explain to them what it is that you got upset about.
Honestly, ladies, most men don’t understand. They think that if you have an argument at night and you go to bed cranky, that when you wake up the next morning, you’ll be fine. Let’s just forget about it, and move on! Isn’t that how most men manage their lives? It’s true! Most men just think you can go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning, you should be okay… But you’re still bloody cranky!
You still want him to make some effort, show you that he loves and cares about you, and pursue you to find out what your problem is! Yet, when he pursues you and asks you what’s wrong, you say “Nothing!” Because you think he should KNOW what’s wrong…
Honestly gorgeous, we are our own worst enemy at times!
I always find it useful to take the time to first try to understand myself and my own behavior. Especially in relationships, because there is always that challenge of connecting and communicating.
I love being in a relationship, but far out… It’s a lot of work!
This week I have been chatting to many people about Family Court legal processes and how Emotions impact your outcome!
The implications of bringing lawyers into the emotional space is often just a quick plug to drain your resources – financial and emotional resources. This musing comes from the second in the Diva programs – Divorce Diva.
I’m interested in the ways that we handover our power to a legal professional…
I believe that sometimes we do ourselves a disservice when we do that.
Thank you for taking the time to connect with me today. I know you’re busy and I appreciate the opportunity to share with you some insight.
Have you ever really wanted to do something ‘extraordinary’, but felt that you just didn’t quite have the guts, or the gumption, to do it? Ever felt that you’d love to do that really ‘exciting’ thing but never sure where to begin? Me too…
Sometimes you just have to take the time to reflect, find your joy and decide what it is you really want for yourself? I know – you are always putting others ahead of yourself. If not the kids, then other members of your family or your work. When do you allow yourself the indulgence of focussing on YOU?
If you’re ready to make yourself a priority – I strongly encourage you to join me for my FREE webinar. I have some exciting news for you… I’m going to help you focus on YOU! I’m going to help you get in touch with your ‘sexy self’ again. You remember her… Or perhaps you’ve never felt that you have ever had a ‘sexy self’! It’s not true – she’s in there and I’m going to help you uncover her gloriousness.
It’s the ability to learn something new everyday… It’s education that really puts a ‘fire’in my belly…
My Mum taught me that – not through words but by her actions. Not just ‘formal’ education, but the education of self – the questioning of ourselves, our motives, our drivers.
The road to self-discovery begins with asking ourselves ‘Why’? Just like a child asks that question…
You see, when we think like a child, without ‘baggage’ but with honest and open curiosity, we can find the answers we seek.
But just because we find the answer to the question does not necessarily mean we find the solution to the challenges we might face. Here are some classic examples…
Why Do I…?
Why do I doubt myself? Despite the fact that I am a good person, caring, nurturing and supportive of my friends, capable and intelligent, I spend a lot of time in my head, over thinking things and second-guessing myself and invoking a sense of ‘worthlessness’!
Why do I find myself drawn to the wrong relationships with the same type of man? Despite the fact that I know that his approach to life does not align with my values, so I often stay in the relationship as I have this overwhelming desire to be ‘wanted’!
Why do I eat the wrong foods? Despite the fact that I know how to be healthy, feel guilty when I eat the wrong thing and often don’t understand why I sabotage myself and call it a ‘reward’!
Why do I have issues with money? Despite the fact that I earn good money, I’m bright and know how I could be better managing my money, I spend too much by impulse buying to satisfy some deep seated feeling of ‘emptiness’!
Why do I stay stuck in my job? Despite the fact that I have to drag myself out of bed every morning because I really hate what I’m doing, I don’t know how to change it and so I feel frustrated and ‘stuck’!
Why do I avoid the connection to my higher self? Despite the fact that I know when I have had those moments of ‘spirit’ connection, I have felt inspired and connected to something greater than myself, I get back into the daily grind and forget to stay ‘connected’!
These are all questions I have asked myself over the course of my life’s journey and I still don’t have all the answers, of course. But what I have learned is a way to honestly explore myself, without judgement. It lets me achieve a level of ‘Awareness’around issues in my life as they arise and I have an effective way to gain‘Acceptance’of these issues and a process to take‘Action’and deal with them –allowing me to heal and move forward.
So, if I don’t have ALL the answers how can I help you? It is preciselybecause I don’t have all the answers that I can help you…
It is like we are ‘Mountaineers’on our life journey… From my mountain I can see you on your mountain and from my vantage point I have a better perspective on the obstacles in your path, so I am able to guide and support you to take the best path for you. That is not necessarily the ‘easiest’ path, as you may seek the ‘challenge’ of climbing a sheer cliff face or alternatively, you may seek the walking path of least incline – even if that takes longer!
In all of this, my Mum is my ‘inspiration’– a sole parent of five children, she struggled to support and raise us. She educated herself to allow us to have a better life by elevating us out of poverty and into a space in society where we could explore life curiously, see the possibilities and know within ourselves that we had the ability to learn and grow.
Thanks Mum!
So when I became a sole parent, I too was able to ‘value’myself enough to engage in education, to improve my sense of self, to enhance my relationships, to gain clarity of purpose, to take charge of my finances and to‘love’myself enough to want to nurture my body and reconnect with my spirit.
I then wanted to really implement this into my life to be an inspiration to my two ‘amazing’daughters…
Right now, I want to share this learning and insight with you. It’s a revolution!
I am about to expandmy suite of programs to incorporate the broad spectrum of our lives – sense of self, relationships, health and wellbeing, finances, career and spirituality (whatever that means for you).
I wouldLOVE to help you on your journey of personal transformation…
Do you crave Abundance in your life? I don’t just mean money – that is not really Abundance at all. I mean true connection to people, a life worth living, full of meaning and linkages to others.
I set out to make 2014 my year of Abundance – and all I have seem to receive is one drama after another… Here we are half way through march and I do not yet feel like I’ve ‘Hit my Stride’ in relation to achieving Abundance – and yet… I feel very well connected, my life is worth living, full of meaning and I have many linkages. Do I feel Abundant? Yes… Do I experience challenges in my life – family, career and other issues… Yes!
Abundance is about looking ‘beyond’ the daily grind. Being aware that the issues we currently face are ‘temporary’ – they will pass and we will continue to experience joy, connection and a meaningful existence. Sometimes the daily issues that we face appear to overwhelm us – but the recognition that “This too will pass…” can often help us to go with the flow and focus on what is truly ‘good’ in our lives.
Take the time to reflect on your ‘Three Joys’ each evening… When you are sitting at the dinner table with your family and friends, take turns to reflect on the three things that were good for you today. This helps to create a focus on the positive aspects of our lives.
Let’s face it… The crappy things will always be there – that is part of the human existence. However, we can CHOOSE where we focus our energy. If it is always on the negative, then we will not ever feel truly enriched and fulfilled.
Take the time to show some ‘Gratitude’. And have Fun!
Hey there… I’m really excited about launching my brand new site because it’s been a labour of love for… uhm… months. I created… hesitated… doubted… and created some more – before doing the whole round-the-block “thing” again. But now I’m done questioning whether this is good enough, doubting whether anyone will like the site because frankly, my message is too important to be ignored by women like you.
If you’re battling with your self esteem, or struggling to feel sexy and fabulous in your body then I can help you re-discover the joys of your fab self. So stay posted and keep checking back to see how easy it is to manage your weight once you know how.
