This week I am again reminded of the importance of resolving the issues of our own sense of self and our self-worth BEFORE we can consider any other areas in our life – it goes back to the old adage that you must first LOVE yourself before you can love anyone else… But also before you will achieve any real sense of satisfaction with your life!
This musing comes from the first chapter in my new book – Delightful Diva.
I work with clients on a daily basis to assist them to change the way they see themselves, the key to having other people treat you well is to first be able to look into the mirror and truly be able to say that you like WHO you are…
The issue for most people is that they look to others to ‘validate’ them as good people as we see ourselves through other peoples eyes… But if we don’t truly like who we are, we just surround ourselves with people who reflect back at us how we really feel – On the Inside!
If you find this video useful, remember that you can go to the main pge on the website and download the audio training ‘Start with the Self” – see the link HERE.
I am reminded about the fallacy that we have around relationships in society and the tendency of our society to believe that Love conquers all. We teach our children that we will meet ‘The One’ and everything will be perfect because we fall in Love and everything else will work itself out.
Wrong!
We often connect with a person because they happen to come into our orbit – if there is nothing ‘obviously’ wrong with that person and they want to hang around, we let them! However, we often don’t consider that we have different interests, beliefs, goals and dreams for the future and if we don’t address those, we end up spending a lot of time in a relationship with someone who was never going to give us what we seek in a partner. We need to spend more time in planning what it is that we are actually seeking in our ideal partner.
This vlog is a bit longer than usual – the complexity of this idea in our society is quite detailed. This musing comes from my relationship program – Delectable Diva.
I’m interested in the story that we tell ourselves about how LOVE conquers all…
It has been quite a while since I posted any updates – so I apologise. I have been absolutely flat out with my book – which is fabulous because it is nearly ready and I will officially launch it on 25 February 2017! Very excited…
So, when I was thinking about what you might like some assistance with at this time of year, my lovely assistant Lucy suggested Stress at Christmas as a very timely and important topic…
We often find that Christmas is quite a stressful time, the pressure and expectations that are placed upon us… and we just want to relax!
In this video I talk about how the expectations we place on others are often the root of our distress. Yet, on the most part we never ‘ask’ our loved ones for what we want…
We make assumptions about the fact that we will be given what we want – help, support, time, gifts… We get ‘stressed’ when we are not given what we want!
However… We rarely ‘ask’ for what we want for fear of rejection.
See this video to learn how to change this approach…
From myself and my team… May you and yours have a lovingly ‘connected’ holiday season…
This week I have been reflecting on the recent loss of my dog and it has raised some interesting questions about our emotional attachment to animals and our approach to Grief and Loss.
A lot of people have animals, some people have a very strong emotional connection to their animals, and there is a good reason for this… our animals accept us for just who we are!
With our animals we don’t have to pretend, they give us a form of unconditional love…
It is interesting that many people have these types of relationships with their animals, and they struggle with the loss as if they had lost another human being. However, there are an equal number of people who see animals differently…
Either way, the loss of my very reliable companion of 11 1/2 years definitely caused me to experience significant loss.
So I thought I would outline how Grief and Loss affects us, especially when we don’t recognise it as a grieving process – like when we end a relationship.
This week I was chatting with a client about why we comfort eat and what we need to understand about it so that we don’t sabotage ourselves by throwing the ‘Baby out with the Bathwater’ whenever we break out the Tim Tam’s!
She said “Can you write that down for me?” So I am…
Healthy eating is a lifestyle, we know ‘Dieting’ doesn’t work, so it is reasonable to expect that we are going to have days when we feel like scoffing ice cream… The issue comes in how we manage our Guilt!
This musing comes from the Diva program – Divine Diva.
It is as normal to how we approach food as ‘breathing’… However, like many other unnecessary things that we seem to do to ourselves as humans, we need to try and master our inner critic…
In this way we can manage the ebbs and flows of our lives and still maintain a balanced approach to food.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this one…
If you are based in Canberra, I have an upcoming ‘Divine Diva’ workshop. In which I highlight all the psychological barriers to weight loss and how to overcome them.
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships. I am highlighting how we approach dating and the stories we tell ourselves about why we can’t get what we want in a relationship!
I was out with friends last Friday night and we were talking about the types of dating options these days – introduction services, online dating or just getting out ‘socially’ with like-minded individuals. It made me very aware of the problem that we all have in niche marketing in relationships!
This musing comes from the third in the Diva programs – Delectable Diva.
The definition of ‘Niche Marketing’ is concentrating all efforts on a small but specific and well defined segment of the population. Niches do not ‘exist’ but are ‘created’ by identifying needs, wants, and requirements that are being addressed poorly or not at all by others, and developing and delivering goods or services to satisfy them. As a strategy, niche marketing is aimed at being a big fish in a small pond instead of being a small fish in a big pond.
It is as essential to ‘products’ as it is to our personal lives… We need to stop taking a ‘scatter-gun’ approach to dating, make best use of our time and become clear and specific about what we want in a relationship…
I would love to hear your thoughts about this one…
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships and here I am highlighting how we continue to devalue ourselves in relationships!
You know when you start to feel settled into a new relationship, but you start to talk negatively about “When the relationship ends” or “When you get tired of me…” Why do we sabotage our relationships?
This musing comes from the third in the Diva programs – Delectable Diva.
I’m interested in the patterns that we have around relationships and our negative self-beliefs…
Divorce Diva Workshop Canberra 28 May 2016
If you are based in Canberra, I hope to see you at the workshop. There is a Delectable Diva Workshop running on 18 June 2016 as well 😀
This week I am continuing my focus on Relationships and here I am highlighting how we Repeat patterns in relationships!
You know when you you feel like you have a new partner, but their behaviour reminds you of your previous partner? Why do we DO this to ourselves? Why don’t we Learn? This musing comes from the second in the Diva programs – Divorce Diva.
I’m interested in the patterns that we have around relationships and sub-conscious partner choice…
Divorce Diva Workshop Canberra 28 May 2016
If you are based in Canberra, I hope to see you at the workshop. There is a Delectable Diva Workshop running on 18 June 2016 as well 😀
So, this week I’ve been talking to a lot of people about some of the issues that come up in relationships.
If you have a partner, or if you had a partner previously, you’ll know that what I’m about to outline is something that happens on a regular basis in relationships, and it is the core difference between how men and women approach a problem.
When a woman gets upset about something… Let’s say your partner has said something or done something that has upset the female in the relationship, often she will just withdraw, and she might start stomping around or banging doors in the house, to let her partner know that she’s upset, but often she doesn’t quite know what the problem is.
It’s really interesting that when woman withdraw, they have an expectation that their partner will pursue them to find out what the problem is – and men usually don’t pursue. So, there ends up being a situation where a problem has occurred, as a woman I have withdrawn and I am expecting my partner to come and say ‘Darling, what’s wrong’? Sometimes they do approach, they may come and ask ‘Are you okay’?
This is where our No.1 problem starts… As what, as women, do we always say? ‘Nothing’s wrong – I’m fine’! Yet, you’re actually not fine at all! It makes me laugh…
Why do we actually do this to ourselves?
The reason is that you, as a woman, expect that you shouldn’t have to tell your partner what’s wrong, that he should know what’s wrong. So, when he comes to you and asks ‘What’s up’? (Because he’s male and actually doesn’t understand what happened in your head that made you upset). You downplay you’re frustration and say ‘Nothing. I’m fine’! We do ourselves such an injustice and we cause more problems in our relationships than we need to.
If we can take the time when we get upset about something, as women, to retreat but utilise the time to consider ‘What is it that I’m actually bothered about’? You may discover your thinking has led to particular feelings coming up and this then impacts your behavior. “Oh, actually, he said ‘this’, and that reminded me of when somebody else (previous partner or parent) said ‘that’, I suddenly feel like I’m unimportant, or not wanted”! Or, when he says something that surprises you, you think ‘Oh, really? Is that the sort of person that he is? Wow! I didn’t pick that. Does that mean I’ve chosen for a partner somebody that I thought I knew, but I didn’t expect them to behave that way, so maybe I don’t know them at all”! “Oh great here we go again, I can’t trust my own judgement”!
I know that’s what goes through your head… Because that is exactly what happens with me and many other women tell me that this is also their experience.
So, where there has been an issue in my relationship, I get to a point where I’m aware that I’m being short or quiet around my partner, I will stop myself at that point and think “Hang on! I’ve withdrawn… And I know I must have withdrawn because I’m angry about something, or I’m upset”. So, I spend that time trying to ask myself “What is it that my partner said, that caused me to be upset? I think I understand, but what it is that when that person said ‘blah’ (insert any words here), and I got upset about it… Why? What is it about me and my perception of myself”?
We always try and externalise the blame. That is why you get into arguments. You get into a space in which you’re thinking “You upset me because you said ‘blah’ and you are the problem”! You get upset and you throw it all back onto your partner.
We only do that because internally we don’t feel good. Something in the interaction has made you feel bad, so you try to offset that by throwing ‘Molotov cocktails’ at the other person. “It’s your fault, you did this, you did that”, instead of looking at what is going on inside of yourself.
If you can take the time to look inside yourself, before you throw your Molotov cocktails, and ask yourself “What has this activated in me? What is it about what they did, that makes me feel bad about myself”? Trust me, it’s in there! Something that they have said or done has made you feel invalidated, or like you did something wrong, that you can’t trust your own judgement, or that you are not important to them, or you’re feeling inadequate and not good enough for them. The result? You get angry and you start throwing that stuff back at them.
If you want to ensure that an intimate relationship can survive, the main thing that you need to when you become aware of those conflicts, is to pull back and ask yourself “What is it that just happened, that made me feel this way about myself”? Once you are clear about what it is, you then need to be able to have a sit-down conversation with your partner, where you’re actually taking time out to have a connected communication about the issue. This needs to be at a point in time when there is no active confrontation or argument, so once you have calmed down.
You need to frame it in terms of “Okay, I got upset when this happened. When you said ‘blah’, what I heard was something else”, or “What I heard, activated something in me that didn’t make me feel good about myself and that is about my own past or my own history. I need you to know about it because when you say those things, this is how I respond and this is how it makes me feel”.
If you can do that, if you can take responsibility for your own feelings and be able to communicate them to your partner, without blame, you will find that something miraculous happens… There won’t be an argument because they don’t feel like they have to fight back, because you’re not attacking them. They feel like you’re able to explain to them what it is that you got upset about.
Honestly, ladies, most men don’t understand. They think that if you have an argument at night and you go to bed cranky, that when you wake up the next morning, you’ll be fine. Let’s just forget about it, and move on! Isn’t that how most men manage their lives? It’s true! Most men just think you can go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning, you should be okay… But you’re still bloody cranky!
You still want him to make some effort, show you that he loves and cares about you, and pursue you to find out what your problem is! Yet, when he pursues you and asks you what’s wrong, you say “Nothing!” Because you think he should KNOW what’s wrong…
Honestly gorgeous, we are our own worst enemy at times!
I always find it useful to take the time to first try to understand myself and my own behavior. Especially in relationships, because there is always that challenge of connecting and communicating.
I love being in a relationship, but far out… It’s a lot of work!
This week I have been chatting to many people about Family Court legal processes and how Emotions impact your outcome!
The implications of bringing lawyers into the emotional space is often just a quick plug to drain your resources – financial and emotional resources. This musing comes from the second in the Diva programs – Divorce Diva.
I’m interested in the ways that we handover our power to a legal professional…
I believe that sometimes we do ourselves a disservice when we do that.
